The Workshop

While I was on Mommycation, a friend and I went to a "mommy workshop" together. While it wasn't the intention of the workshop, a lot of it covered how much of ourselves we lose when we become mothers...and how that impacts pretty much every other aspect of our lives.

I am guilty of trying to get on the SuperMom Train. I am learning that this does not work for me. I don't really know anyone that it does work for...and I'm done with trying to convince myself that I have to be SuperMom. The workshop leader asked us to figure out by whose standards we're trying to live and I was surprised as we worked through the exercises how little of my life is lived by my own standards, and how much of my voice I have lost.

The biggest exercise we did was to write down, for each phase of our life (as a single person, as a spouse, and then as a parent), the following:
What do you do for fun?
What do you do that's special just for yourself?
What do you do for others?
What are your hopes and dreams?

And then, plot on a pie chart how much of your time is spent on each of those areas. For me, the biggest change was the time I spent doing things for others, and the focus of my hopes and dreams. As a single person, I was able to spend more time doing things just for me, and my hopes and dreams were focused on what I wanted to do with my life. As a mom, almost all of my time is spent doing things for my family and the sake of keeping the house clean, and my hopes and dreams are tied up in what I want for my daughter to have as she grows up and becomes an adult. By the time I got to "mom", I put question marks down for what I do for fun, and what I do special for myself. I couldn't think of anything.

As you can imagine (and as you might be experiencing yourself) -- this can lead to a very stressed out SuperMom. And that's just not good for anyone. It's not good for you, not good for your partner, and not good for your children.

That's why in my previous post, when I said to take a mommycation if you can -- and to not feel guilty about it. The workshop leader gave this analogy: When you're on an airplane, and they're giving you the safety instructions, what do they tell you about the oxygen masks? Put yours on first, then help your children. Why? If you're suffocating, you won't be able to help your kids.

That applies to real life, too. I know when I'm tired/burned out/exhausted/haven't had a break in a long time, I'm drained. It makes it hard to play with Angelica. It gives me a short fuse. I get aches and pains and headaches and then I feel stretched so thin, like something is just going to collapse. And I'm lucky to have a husband who is an active parent (when he's not at work).

I guess my point is that one of the biggest things I got out of the workshop is that when you become a mom, it's easy to lose yourself in that role and forget about who you are outside of it. It's okay to let go. If you're finding yourself rarely taking a break to take care of yourself, it's okay to take a "mommycation" or hire a babysitter or pursue interests that aren't directly related to being a parent. It keeps you sane, happy, and able to be a better parent in the long run.

Oops, I caught the mom guilt

This weekend at church, the main topic of discussion was about regrets, and the "what ifs" and "so whats" of our lives, and one thing that the speaker said really hit home. She said, "Parenthood is a crash course in guilt." When she said this, I chuckled, because for all of the good intentions, all of the research and debating and positive thinking, as a parent you always worry, "Was it the right decision?" or "Did I do the best I could?"

Today is a great example. I am home today. All day, the house was silent. Why? Both SuperScott and Angelica were not home. He went to work, and I dropped her off at day care this morning. I took today to get caught up on some other responsibilities in my life, mainly homework, but to be honest, I spent a bigger part of the day just taking a breather. I can't remember the last time I was home alone for an extended period of time. It may have been before she was born. It was nice. I decompressed, decluttered my brain and in that sense, I feel amazing.

So why do I feel so guilty about it? When I left her at day care this morning I felt overwhelmingly guilty, like I should be keeping her at home with me since I'm home and all. But on the other hand, I really needed a day alone to take care of some other things and just breathe, separated from the daily comings and goings, work, daycare, grocery shopping, errands, and so on. 

Then, when I talked with SuperScott about how I felt, he said to me, "So should I feel guilty that I would take the baby to daycare so that I can have a day to myself?" And of course the answer is no. 

I think we as parents tend to forget about ourselves. Our natural inclination is to put our children first, and of course that's how it should be. We forget, though, that part of putting our children first is making sure that we take care of ourselves. Happy parents have happy children. 

Angelica was no worse for wear today because I took her to daycare. She had been out for a week already and was so thrilled to be back with her friends...and then so thrilled to be reunited with me at the end of the day. So, while I still feel a little guilty about it, all in all, I know I did a good thing for both of us.

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Unrelated to the above post, but I know of a family who is in need of good thoughts, good wishes, and prayers - whichever you happen to do. Fellow mommy blogger MckMama's youngest son, Stellan, has a heart defect and is in really bad shape right now. If you could spare a moment for them to do whatever it is that you do, please do so!  Her blog is at mycharmingkids.net and she tweets @mckmama.