I am ashamed to say that, with the exception of a few random prints here and there, I have not ordered pictures of my daughter in over a year. I recently placed an order with a print lab I'm considering for my baby photography business to test their product, but I haven't consciously gone through and picked "must have" pictures and ordered them since October of last year.
Tonight, I started going back in time to try and pick some to fill out the photo album and scrapbook I've been putting together for Angelica's first year. This is a near impossible feat. She was a really cute baby, and I literally have thousands of pictures of her to choose from.
One side effect I was not expecting, though, was to look at pictures of her from a year ago and be overcome with a sense of sadness. At almost 18 months, she has shed every hint of babyhood and is a full-fledged toddler. She's traded the comfort of mommy's arms at to fall asleep for a story and "nite nite mommy, byebye!", traded the bottle for the sippy cup, traded the high chair for a booster seat (her choice, not mine!), traded baby coos for yelling and screaming. With all of this has emerged a (sometimes loud) firecracker of a personality with strong opinions and a very keen ability to say what she wants. The last remaining hint of babyhood is the diaper, but just this week she started pointing to the toilet while holding her diaper with the other hand and saying, "Mama...potty?" and asking to sit on it. While I'm sure (and hoping!) true toilet training is still quite some time away, the fact that she understands what it's for is bittersweet. I'm glad she's bright and catching on to things so quickly, but at the same time...I wish she would just slow down!
This time last year she was still not sleeping through the night, and now on some occasions we have to wake her up in the morning. My how things have changed! As I reviewed the pictures tonight, one particular photo jumped out at me...a six month old version of my daughter, curled up next to me in bed drinking a bottle...me, looking exhausted and disheveled from a night of being up with her, and her going down for her first nap of the day.
Looking at that reminded me how, at six weeks postpartum I asked my sister, 34 weeks pregnant with her second at the time..."She never sleeps, she never lets me put her down, I can't sleep, I can't shower, I can't eat! Why does anyone do this more than once?" Now I know why. If I could go back in time, I'd tell that crazy, postpartum version of myself that in 18 months she'd rather shove me away than snuggle. Maybe then I wouldn't have been so eager to put her down.
Our next baby, if we even decide to have one, is still a few years away, and at times that makes my heart ache because between the sleepless nights and crazy postpartum hormones, the sweetness and innocence of a new baby is just wonderful. Until then, I'll have to revel in the memories of my teeny tiny baby, while continuing to feel my heart swell with pride when I see the amazing little girl she is quickly becoming.
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