I am a big, big fan of Dave Ramsay...we have been on his Total Money Makeover plan for a couple of months now, and I've been following his podcast religiously in that time. Earlier this week, he had former NFL coach Tony Dungy as a guest speaker on his show, discussing his new book, The Mentor Leader.
During his interview, Dungy mentioned something that his first boss told him...that his job, as a coach, was to help each player on his team play to the best of his ability. (That's not a direct quote -- I'm paraphrasing.) I felt very strongly that this same concept applies to parenting, and I've been kicking around the idea of posting about it for a few days, trying to get my thoughts as organized as possible.
My first thought was -- why is it important to be a mentor leader in your child's life? I'm not keen on being your child's best friend. I think that blurs the lines of the parent/child boundaries. That's not to say you shouldn't be friendly with your child. You need to have a good relationship with them, play them, be open with them and act with integrity so that they trust you. But you also need to be a parent and not be afraid to lay down the law when necessary. You need to be a leader and a mentor for your child so that in high school, Johnny Potsmoker doesn't.
With that in mind, I think the biggest purpose as a mentor-leader in your children's lives is to help them reach their full potential. Lead by example. Live by your morals and values so they will too. Make no topic of conversation off-limits if your children have questions. Encourage them academically, encourage them in their interests, talents, and hobbies, and encourage them to explore beyond the boundaries of these, without pushing them to continue participation in activities they don't like or putting so much pressure on the that it damages their self esteem.
Some examples from my own life...and I am by no means perfect...but I'm trying to, as Dave says, "change the family tree" both in terms of health and wealth. I'm also trying to emphasize the importance of fitness, and of staying debt free. I run three times a week and I discuss it on simple terms with Angelica. I'll get ready to go and say, "Mommy's going for a run!" She usually asks to come too...one of these days when it's not blistering hot, and not right at her bedtime, I'll bring her along. (The best? The other night I got ready to run and she said, "Oh mommy! You look pretty!" She loves me in my ratty running shorts and messy ponytail!)
I also set the financial example by spending cash. Several months ago, she had gotten into the habit of asking me to "swiper my card" at the register. Now she sees me pay cash at the grocery store. She loves to get the leftover pennies to put in her piggy bank and then shake it to hear the coins rattle. She also knows she's not allowed to open it until she's 18. (I doubt she has a concept of time that far in the future, but she knows she can't open it right now. Delayed gratification, my friends!)
Even at her early age, I also emphasize education. My parents started me with flash cards and workbooks at a young age and by kindergarten I was reading at a 6th grade level and could do some complex math. I don't want to push her to the point of frustration, but she loves to participate in learning activities so we do them a little bit each day -- starting just like I did, with flash cards and workbooks. I'm even doing some self-study on early childhood learning to help her.
As she gets older, I hope the fact that I'm involved in her life and living by the values I want her to adopt helps us build a strong foundation for trust and open communication. All things with parenting are a challenge, and I really hope that in this process I'm putting into motion, I can be the mentor-leader that she deserves to have in order to become all that she can be.
2 comments:
Definitely a great post and I agree completely. Many times I have to make my husband take a step back from his constant either they do this great or don't do it at all. I try to encourage them when they need it and most important to me is talking. I want my kids to always feel they can talk to me about anything.
Great post Andrea! I hope my kids can always feel comfortable talking to me about anything. I feel like the more communication you have with your children, the more you will know what is going on in their lives.
And I agree that our actions directly affect them. If they see us do something, they will do it too. They are little sponges right now.
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