Warning: Emotionally charged weight-loss post

I've been skipping the weight loss posts lately. Honestly, there hasn't been much in the way of good news, so I just left it at that and moved on.

I'm sure the struggle I've had over the past two months is the same that many people face. There were birthdays and anniversaries full of fun and joy and good food to eat and I over indulged. I found my weight creeping back up until it hit the 260 mark again, and at that point I gave everything a giant WTF and just stopped.

I spent a few days after that soul searching. Nutrisystem wasn't cutting it for me, though no fault of its own -- it obviously works well for some people but for me, it just wasn't doing it. So I came to the decision that it was time to cancel it. If I was going to be successful, I needed to do it with modifications of foods that I actually enjoyed so that the temptation to cheat (or worse, go way overboard on the days when there was cause for celebration).

And then the panic set in. Obesity runs in my family. Type 2 diabetes runs in my family. Heart disease runs in my family (my dad was only 10 years older than I am now when he had his heart attack, which scares the crap out of me). I'm 31 and already have high blood pressure. These are all things I've told myself before, all things that I've taken to heart, and then I just got this vision of something happening to me and Angelica being left without a mom and it just floored me...and I realized I had to do something...anything...to get back on the right track and break the cycle of poor health. It's no longer about the number on the scale. It's about being strong, healthy, full of vitality. It's about not just being there when my grandchildren are born, but being able to play with them.

Shortly after Scott and I celebrated our 6th anniversary (about two weeks ago) I decided to sample some Weight Watchers meetings, because I felt I needed the accountability. I needed to go in and face the music, stand on a scale in front of someone and have them tell me I was either becoming even more fat than I was the week before, or, I was headed in the right direction.

Fortunately, two weeks and three pounds later, i'm sitting back around 257 this morning and glad to be seeing that needle moving back in the right direction. But there was still a missing, vital component. The Weight Watchers plan is fantastic as far as improving my eating habits, but I needed something else. Though I put myself through the wringer last summer with Couch to 5k, I "only" lost 12 pounds (and subsequently gained it ALL BACK and then some), so there was something missing from my workout routine.

The past few weeks have just been a complete emotional rollercoaster for reasons unrelated to weight gain (but which certainly contributed to it) and I needed something to get both my diet and exercise going in the right direction. I needed accountability, but I also needed someone who doesn't know me -- a third party with no emotional investment -- to literally kick my ass.

So I met with a certified personal trainer. Something I never thought I'd do, though I've always wanted to (and in all honesty, when I actually was fit and healthy, considered becoming one). And in only one session, not only did I get my head back on straight (and find myself hurting in muscles I didn't even know I had!), I learned what I was doing wrong, and why, despite running my ass off, I only lost 12 pounds last summer, why it was so quick and easy to gain it back, and what I need to do from here. And for the next 52 weeks, I will be meeting with him once a week. It will keep me accountable and keep me from heading right back into my tendancy to do all the wrong things.

There is no quick fix. My expectations to lose all the weight overnight are not realistic (and in fact, regularly losing more than 1-2 pounds a week is incredibly unhealthy). And really, it's not about the weight. It's about the health.

And the regular Monday weight-loss posts will resume starting next Monday!