This past weekend we went to a meeting with the minister at our church. A bunch of us are looking into starting a group for "young adults" (ages 18-35). Our minister had told Scott that kids would be welcome...so we gladly brought Angelica along for the ride. She loves going to church (though her Sundays are spent in the nursery playing, usually) and we didn't think it would be a big deal.
Upon arriving, my heart sank to see that though there were about 15 members of the congregation who came to the meeting, we were the only ones who brought a child. One two and a half year old in a room of adults trying to have a meeting? Goodness gracious. I was nervous from the get go.
Had I known this would be the situation, I probably would have just sent Scott and kept Angelica at home, but we were already there (and our church is about 35 minutes away from our house so I wasn't about to turn around and go back home) so we sat her down with some food and hoped for the best.
Fortunately, she was fairly well behaved for being in a room where she was expected to be pretty quiet for 2 hours, and when she wasn't, everyone was very understanding and even seemed a bit amused...which was a relief because I don't expect everyone to love kids...especially two year olds who are naturally predisposed to be LOUD. People even chuckled when she screamed "I HAVE TO GO TO THE POTTY" during a quiet moment. (To anyone who was there last night, I am still sorry for subjecting you to that!)
Thankfully there was another mom there (whose kids were at home!) who had the foresight to offer a pen and paper for Angelica to scribble on. I am one of those parents who is always terribly unprepared and forgets to bring toys...and in my defense, I thought this was going to be more of a social thing than a meeting...glad it wasn't since we were very productive!
So we worked out a plan to trade-off for future events in the case that we can't find a sitter, or there isn't childcare arranged at the church for these things (a subject definitely discussed during the meeting) -- so we can alternate, and Scott can go to one, and I can go to the next.
I am also thankful that she waited until we got home to have the epic tantrum of the century!
She did do a lot of running around the table and of course had one temper tantrum...Scott took her outside for a bit to cool off and then we switched and I took her outside for a bit.
While we were outside, after she was calm I told her that she needed to use her inside voice or whisper while we were inside. She looked at me and I said, "Do you understand?" to which she replied:
"WHATever, Mommy!"
"What did you say?"
"WHATever, MOMMY!"
I think the teenage years are going to be hell since apparently we are already in them.
It hit me the other day how paradoxical the emotions you have can be when you have a toddler in the terrible twos.
Take for example this past Sunday. Angelica is so two years old, and the day went pretty much like this...
Wake up
Angelica wakes up.
Angelica screams to get dressed.
Angelica refuses to put clothes on.
Angelica runs around naked.
Mommy pins Angelica down and (gently) forces her diaper and clothes on.
Angelica and I spend some time playing and getting fully woken up. Scott asks her what she wants for breakfast.
Angelica screams for waffles. Scott makes one for her.
Angelica refuses to eat the waffles she so adamantly wanted 30 seconds before and demands cereal instead.
Angelica eats no breakfast! (Not because we took it away, but because she told me she doesn't LIKE waffles. Since when?? Little stinker :))
We drive to church. Angelica is being very cute and singing in the back seat. We sing along. She points out all of the Christmas trees and Santas and Frostys along the road the whole way there which is pretty much one of the cutest things ever.
Angelica screams to go to the church nursery.
Angelica screams that she doesn't want us to leave the nursery.
Angelica yells at us to "Go away!"
Church is over, we pick her up and head home (peacefully). We're all happy to be back together!
Ask her what she wants for lunch: "NOTHING! I no WANT lunch!"
Then: "I WANT PASTA FOR LUNCH! WAAAHHH!"
Home. Pasta. I cut coupons and prepare a list for the grocery store.
Angelica throws her pasta in my face and climbs down from her chair and tries to grab my scissors. And screams when I don't let her have them. (She yells, "I want to cut coupons my big self!")
Angelica goes down for nap. I go grocery shopping.
I get home, Angelica has refused to nap and is playing blocks with Daddy. She is very happy to see me. I give her big hugs and kisses.
I put the groceries away and then we go to the mall (complete with adorable cheez-its outburst) and have super happy fun time because she goes on a choo choo train with Mommy and thinks its the best thing ever. (And likewise, it warmed my heart to see her SO happy!) She also plays on the mall playground and then gets frooshpunsh (fruit punch).
We have to run into Target for something. Angelica screams "No WANT to go to Target!"
We finish at Target. Angelica screams "No WANT to go home, I just want to stay at TARGET!"
We get home. Scott cooks dinner. Angelica and I play and snuggle and enjoy a little quiet time.
Angelica eats her dinner and tries to eat mine too.
We finish dinner, Scott goes to run her bath. I take a minute just to answer a quick email. In that minute, Angelica grabs Scott's PSP (portable gaming system, for those not in the know), throws it across the kitchen.
I tell her to go to time out for throwing. She says no. She grabs Scott's (closed) can of soda. I grab for the can of soda and try to get it out of her hand and then in the struggle I realize that if she slips she could get hurt so I let go and gently sit her down.
Before I can even react, she hurls the soda can across the room...it bursts over and sprays all 12 ounces of diet cola all over our light blue carpet. Angelica laughs. I look at Scott and he looks at her and says, "That is NOT funny!"
I insist it's bath time. NOW. Scott cleans the carpet. Angelica joyfully climbs in the tub, we play and sing songs with minimal toddler outbursts. Then she gets bored and fills up her rinsing cup and throws it in my face for the third time (she's already been warned twice to keep the water IN the tub or bath time would be over.)
I pull her up out of the tub and she screams "NOOOOOO I just wanna stay IN!"
We brush teeth. She yells at me to leave. I tell her I have to stay to keep an eye on her so she's safe. She hits me. I give her the cup to rinse and spit.
We head to the bedroom. She refuses to get dressed. She runs around naked (again). She screams at me every time I get close to "go away". I grab her and force her into diaper and clothes and tell her to get her wubby.
We read stories. She tells me she had the best day ever and that she had fun at the choo choo and at the playground. She insists on giving me two huge kisses and hugs. She says, "Love you Mommy, goodnight, see you morning, has sweet dreams!"
I close her door, breathe for a second and say to Scott..."That little girl is the most wonderful little person in the world. I love her so much."
Having a very strong-willed two year old reminds me on a regular basis that it is possible for someone to be both the most frustrating person in your life and the most amazing.
I am not a strong disciplinarian. I'll just put that out there. I am a big huge softy. Lately, though, it's gotten to the point where I have to play the part of disciplinarian because, well, how else are we going to get the terrible twos under control?
Since Angelica is a "thinker", our method of discipline is to send her to her room for a time out to think about what she's doing and/or to calm down. The thing that tugs at my heart, though, is that in addition to being a thinker, this kid has such a big, loving soul that she crumbles when she can see one (or both) of us is angry with her for misbehaving.
The good thing, though, is that it seems like this is working. Take for example yesterday evening. She wanted to play with my DSLR camera and when I told her no, she yanked it off the table and threw it across the room. Praise whatever powers that be, the camera was fine, but I snapped and yelled, "Go to your ROOM!"
She burst into tears, ran down the hall and threw herself on her bed.
Two minutes later she comes out of her room (still crying) and says, "I want to say sorry, Mommy!"
I hate to make her cry. It breaks my heart right in half. A wise person once told me, "Better she cries now when you punish her than crying later when you won't bail her out of jail." Extreme example? Probably. But there is some truth in that, and I know that I need to just bite the bullet and put my foot down from time to time.
(And this was just a bit of stream of consciousness...)
Last night was pretty much a continuation of the night before.
I stopped on the way home to forget butter (my third grocery store trip of the week...and today I made a fourth...I seem to forget something every time!) and got to daycare 10 minutes before it closed. And again, after a very enthusiastic greeting, we disintegrated into temper tantrums.
Angelica's newest thing is that she wants to do everything herself. EVERYTHING. Things that she is physically unable to do, and things that are unsafe for her. Now, normally I am all for letting her try to do things she is physically unable to...but I will not consciously let her do something unsafe.
Example of the physically unable to: She wants to buckle herself into her car seat. She's been able to do the chest buckle since she was about 15 months old, but she cannot do the lap harness or tighten the straps. So, she has a tantrum.
Example of the unsafe: She asked for cherries for a snack last night, so I got some out and started cutting the pits out of them. So she starts yelling, "ME CUT? ME CUT? Angelica do it? NO! NO MOMMY DO IT! ME CUT!" Well, I'll be damned if I'm giving my two year old a knife. So I told her, "Mommy has to do it, it's not safe for you to use a knife yet."
So she throws herself on the kitchen floor and screams. I offer her the (now de-pitted) cherries and she throws the bowl across the room.
So I gently say to her, "Angelica, when you calm down, Mommy will be in the living room. You can come to me when you're calm and I will give you a hug.
30 minutes later, still on the kitchen floor, screaming. (I checked on her every 5 mins or so to calmly remind her of where I was, tell her that I love her, and that I understand she's frustrated, but Mommy cannot give her a knife.)
I sat with my head in my hands, just doing deep breathing exercises. And then I got up, and kicked a helium balloon that was still hanging out in our living room from her party.
I felt awful. I know the last thing she needed was for me to coddle her, because after all, tantrums are exercises in attention-seeking (believe me, I've been doing research and the "ignore" approach works best for us!)...but it was so hard to hear my little girl cry. But I also felt awful for being frustrated, because I don't want to be that mom who is always angry. (And I'm usually not, but there have been other, non-Angelica related things going on lately that have left me stressed out and completely drained.)
She did eventually calm down, and asked to go outside and play with chalk. And all was good again until...she couldn't open the package of chalk herself, and then it turned into another screaming fit.
And so it goes. Welcome to the terrible twos!
By the way, the "ignore" approach I use is based on this advice from Dr. Sears...he has some really great tips on that page for dealing with tantrums, but with all advice, you have to also do what works for your kid...if she's not receptive to being consoled, which she makes evident pretty quickly by pushing me away, hitting me, or telling me to go away, she's left to work it out with regular check-ins until she calms down. It usually nixes the tantrum pretty quickly, but sometimes, if she's tired or having a bad day, it takes longer. Most of Angelica's tantrums are "frustration tantrums", which require some empathizing, especially if she can't do something...so I try. But lately, when I even try to help, she just flies off the handle, so I let her calm down and then we hug and "talk" about it...as much as she can understand at age 2!
Once upon a time, I was a small child, and I seem to recall during that time my parents pretending to be a "tickle monster" and tickle me wildly. And I loved it. So naturally, I'd want to repeat this same thing with my kids, right?
Last night as I'm putting Angelica to bed, she decided to be playful and yank off her pajama shorts. She fought me tooth and nail to put them back on, so I started teasing her with, "We have to put them back on or the tickle monster is gonna getcha! Oh no, here he comes!" all the while getting her shorts over her wiggly feet.
All of a sudden she bursts into tears and yells, "MOMMY! I SCARED!"
Oops.
Big, fat tears roll down her cheeks as she wails about being scared so I stop and comfort her, apologize (about a thousand times) and then I whisper a secret in her ear.
"Guess what? Do you know who the tickle monster is? It's mommy!"
She wipes the tears from her eyes and whispers back, "Okay mommy."
Then I put her shorts back on and we continue reading stories.
Note to self: Add "tickle monster" to the list of things she's now scared of. (Other things include bugs and turning into a pumpkin.)
As we wrap up the last little bit of "to-dos" for the old place, and my wonderful husband also works (very) late to finish up his "to-dos" at work, many times I am left home alone to get Angelica's nighttime routine of dinner/bath/bed completed. Last night was one such night.
But oh, how much different last night was from the norm. I can usually get her settled with an episode of Dora or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse while I cook dinner, but last night she did not want that. She wanted Youtube videos. Fortunately, our PS3 can play Youtube videos, so even though I can't see her from the kitchen, I could at least hear what was going on. And she knows how to operate the controller to replay the videos so I can leave her alone to do so.
Unfortunately, someone (not naming names) didn't keep up their end of the deal on Sunday night and finish doing the dishes. We have no dishwasher, so they all have to be done by hand, and just about every dish in the kitchen was either dirty, or sitting in the drying rack waiting to be put away (which someone...not naming names...said they'd do and then finish washing the remaining dishes on Sunday night). So, before I could cook, I had to wash dishes.
One thing that Angelica is REALLY into right now is hand washing. She hears water running and she yells, "MOMMY! Angelica washy hands!" Of course the sink is full of disgusting water so no, she can't "washy" hands. So I'm washing dishes, she has forgotten about youtube and is leaning against my leg whining "Mooooommmy!!! I want mommmmmyyy!!! Angelica wassshhyyy haaaands! I want mommmmmmmmmy! Up mommy! Up mommy! Washy hands!! I want mooooooommmy!" And so on, and so on. And so on.
I eventually give in and pick her up, take her back in the living room and put on another video. She's distracted for a minute. GREAT. By this point I at least have enough room in the sink to fit in a big stock pot to fill it with water to boil pasta. Pasta's easy! Thank goodness for that! I get the water in the pot, put it on the stove and get it going. I return to washing dishes.
All of a sudden, I hear the familiar sound of THIS video, which she accidentally stumbled upon clicking through the Parry Gripp channel. Not exactly age appropriate. I cringe a bit but decide, hey, SHE'S DISTRACTED. WOO!
Unfortunately, the stupid youtube ads pop up and she can't get the video to replay so she comes running into the kitchen...MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMY.....MORE COCONUTS! So I fix it for her. Return to wash more dishes. She follows. "MOMMY! Washy hands! I want mommmmyyyyy!! Up mommy! Washy hands!"
The water's boiling.
I pick her up, take her back in the living room, put on Boogie Boogie Hedgehog and return to the kitchen. I pour some macaroni in the stock pot. There's not enough for both of us, so I grab a box of bowtie pasta (since we have no more macaroni) and add just enough to complete the two servings. I put the newly opened box of pasta back and return to washing dishes.
It gets quiet. A little.....too quiet.
All of a sudden I hear the tell tale sound of an entire box of pasta being dumped onto the floor. I roll my eyes, go into the living room, and see the (almost) entire box of bowties dumped on the floor, and Angelica walking stomping back and forth through it saying, "STOMP STOMP STOMP! Happy birthday to yoooouuuuuu!!! STOMP STOMP STOMP! Happy birthday to YOUUUUUU!"
I chuckle. What else can I do? I return to the kitchen and keep washing dishes.
I tip over a giant bowl of water with last night's cookie dough in it. It spills ALL OVER THE COUNTER and starts running onto the floor.
"Uh oh, spilly water mommy!" (Yes dear, I know.)
I grab towels, return to the kitchen, finish washing the last dish,and mop up the water. Just as I'm finishing, I see her out of the corner of my eye. Yanking on the curtains on the sliding glass door.
"DON'T PULL THE CURTA..." too late.
They come crashing down.
Oooh boy, she thought that was the greatest thing ever.
Thankfully at this point, the dishes are done, the water is cleaned up and the pasta is cooked. My nerves are shot. I put on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and we eat. Well, I eat. Angelica doesn't eat a bite of the food I struggled to cook. She sits there, falling asleep in her chair (I later ask her if she took a nap at school and she says no. That explains a lot). I finish eating and give her her medicine (for her urinary reflux, see posts from Dec. 2008 for more about that) and ask her if she wants a chocolate cookie. She eats that. And asks for a banana.
We go in her room to get ready for bath. We do bathtime. We brush teeth. I take her back in her room to put a diaper on her. She kicks and yells at me, "NO DIAPERS!". I say to her, "Ok, are you going to use the potty from now on then?" She says yes. Runs to the bathroom. Lifts up the toilet lid and then yells, "NO USE THE POTTY! HAHAHA!" and then runs back to her room.
We put pajamas on and snuggle and read stories. Daddy comes home.
The other day I wrote about Angelica's fierce independent streak. Let me expound upon that with some of her most recent antics.
Because she always does whatever she can to get what she wants, when she wants it, she is incredibly vocal about things that she doesn't want as well. This is especially true when I am trying to distract her from something that she does want, like ten cookies before dinner, or to avoid going to bed at night. She has one particular phrase that she says that makes me have to cover my mouth and look away so that she doesn't see my desire to collapse into hysterical laughter.
One example of this is last night, when she didn't want to go to bed (at 10pm, mind you), so I said, "Here Angelica, take your lovey!" (Lovey is her favorite teddy bear blankey that goes literally everywhere with her.) She looks up at me, scrunches up her face and yells:
"NO WANT LOVEY, ANYMORE!" (Extra strong emphasis on the "anymore").
We usually go about ten rounds of this between the time we get home and the time she goes to bed at night.
But the other night was the best. I was trying to get her to lay down ("NO lay down, anymore!") tucked in ("No tuck in, anymore!"), and turn on her bubble machine ("NO want bubbles, anymore!") After I finally get her laying down and tucked in, I say, "Can Mommy have a hug and kiss goodnight?" To which she responds:
"NO hug and kiss nite nite, EVER AGAIN!"
I hugged and kissed her anyway, told her I loved her, said goodnight, turned off the light, closed the door, and flopped down with my face in a pillow and laughed. And laughed. And laughed.
The next night she asked ME for a hug and kiss. I think I won that round.
