In my more naive days, though I knew financially it wouldn't be possible, I always saw myself staying at home with my kids. Fast forward to almost five months postpartum (can you believe it?) and I'm a full-time work outside the home mom.
I never even thought about how hard it was going to be...emotions aside (yes, I still cry some days when I drop the little one off at daycare, even though she loves it there), the actual physical necessity to BE at work is difficult. And yet we muddle through. (The emotional aspect is very difficult thing for me. I'm very emotional, especially when it comes to relationships, so being away from her is a very sad thing for me.)
Take today for example...last night was my night to get up with the baby, who has decided that sleep is for wussies and now wakes up almost every night. Here's how the night went:
10:30 p.m. - Feel a migraine coming on. Go to sleep.
2:30 a.m. - Baby wakes up. Feed, rock, cuddle baby. Still have migraine.
3:15 a.m. - Put baby in crib
3:16 a.m. - Baby starts screaming again
3:17 a.m. - Take baby out to lay on sofa...attempt to lay down with her. No such luck. Screaming intensifies.
3:25 a.m. - Walking the floor with screaming baby. Every time my butt hits a flat surface, she screams again. Walking is the only thing that helps.
3:35 a.m. - Baby is asleep. Put in crib, grab baby monitor, head for bed...second hand hits bedroom doorknob, baby starts crying. Go pick baby up.
3:45 a.m. - Baby is finally asleep again. Sit down in rocking chair to make sure she is really asleep.
3:55 a.m. - Baby is really asleep. Look over my left shoulder. See roach crawling up wall. (Anyone who knows me knows that roaches=panic attacks.) I start panicking.
4 a.m. - Put baby in crib, run for shoe and bug spray. Kill roach.
4:05 a.m. - Panic over bug spray fumes in baby's room. Fan the door while fending off four curious cats who want to get in the room (and crib, and closet, and baby's hamper).
4:15 a.m. - Finally satisfied that bug spray smell is gone. Notice baby is still sleeping but sounds congested. Fill up humidifier, add camphor, turn on, head for bed.
5 a.m. - In bed, still awake, worried about more roaches in baby's room? Will the humidifier drag them out? Will one of them end up in the crib? Decide I'm too tired to panic anymore. Fall asleep.
5:30 a.m. - Baby wakes up again. Are you kidding me? Hubby gets up this time (what a sweetheart). Baby falls back asleep before he gets to her room. (Lucky).
6:00 a.m. - Baby wakes up for good. Hubby gets up again (what a saint).
7 a.m. - Alarm goes off for work. Still have migraine, but no point in staying home to "rest it out".
9 (ish) - Arrive at work.
So now I operate on a combination of brute force and caffeine. It's hard to be "here" and really "be here" when there is so much on your mind and you're so sleep deprived, but you I do it out of necessity (and the fact that I do enjoy my job).
(For anyone who is wondering WHY my almost 5 month old is still waking up at night...I think it's teething, though I've been saying that since she was 2 1/2 months. But she was fiercely chewing on her hands, her toys, etc and drooling like mad.)
But it's all worth it. My daughter will learn from me that she can balance work and family and be successful at both. Maybe one day she'll see me become self-employed (which I have dreamed of doing for awhile now). And what makes it even more worth it is to come home and see the huge grin she gives me, and to watch her hitting those milestones way ahead of the mark (she's on the verge of crawling...and if you don't believe me, I will post a video of it as soon as I can)!
I miss her (even right now) but we live for the nights and weekends.
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